Guilt exists in many forms. It can be used by people to control others - at work, in the home, in the bedroom. While I would not consider it an emotion, guilt is as powerful as saddness, happiness, envy, but it's strength lies only in the power we give to it.
Over the years, I've given guilt a lot of power. A lot. Even these days, days when I'm feeling optimistic, excited for the future and generally liking the person I am, guilt does rear its ugly head. It's sometimes external and could encompass just a look passed between two people, an evil eye that says "Really, you should/should not be doing that." More often than naught, it's internalized - an inner voice, our own evil eye that may deliver the same message but it's tenfold because you're your own worst critic.
Guilt is not natural. Like our internal criticism, we're not born with it. You'll never see a toddler turn reflective and think "I should not be having this tantrum." They just do it, legs flailing, kicking on the floor to communicate our anger or unhappiness, the unfairness of it all. But guilt and our internal criticism is ultimately linked.
Guilt comes first from our parents as a way for parents to teach us that whatever we're doing is wrong in their eyes. Parents need some control. After all, it's to keep us safe, but when that guilt suits their needs above our own survival mechanisms, that's when we must fight it.
"You would do this if you loved me," they might say or at least deliver their message with a tone, a critical look. "Well, your brother calls me every day. Why don't you?" "Why is it that you can tell your father things but you can't tell me?" And sometimes parents don't want to or can not hear the answer. To do so would reveal that they themselves have and continue to make mistakes.
"I don't tell you everything because you see everything as a negative," I said to my 75-year-old mother just a few weeks ago. And, when reminded that she has voiced on more than one occasion my inability to survive on my own without her (yes, even outside of the womb), she denied, denied, denied.
"Well, you must have misconstrued what I said," she retorted, turning the blame (and the guilty tone) back on me.
I can usually squelch these external voices. Sometimes not, but what is worse is my internal guilt, the voice hammering inside my head that says I should be doing more, better, faster, smarter. It can rear its head when I'm cutting vegetables... "You're not doing that fast enough. You've watched enough cooking shows to know how to properly chop, mince, cube..." And although this voice started in childhood with a harsh retort from a parent, boss, whoever on perhaps only one occasion, it's my voice that echoes and knocks around my psyche.
Before we give guilt that much power over us, it's important to look at all the facts. Hard facts. Will I impact anyone (and even myself) if I forgo the household chores in favour of an afternoon running through a sprinkler? Probably not. Will inactivity have an effect if I consistently give in to doing nothing? Over time, yes.
These days, I make a list (I get excited for lists) - the pros and cons, the to-do list with a system to rate each activity and the impact they will have on my life. So far, it's worked but it's an uphill battle at times as I sometimes acquiese and give that internal monologue more power than I should.
I used parents in my example above (namely my mother), but it could extend to anyone - friends with their own motives, co-workers, bosses - anyone who believe they have or should have some power over you. The only one with the power is you. You have the power to make choices that are right for you. You have the power to squelch these voices and to take a stand when it's important to you - and that importance can vary person to person. It's up to you to listen to (and celebrate) the internal you - the one who wears her heart on her sleeve, does good deeds just because, who will willingly clean a friend's house because that person is feeling overwhelmed and two extra hands make for lighter work. There are no checklists of who did what and when and no expectations of getting paid back.
Does whatever you're doing or not doing have a direct, negative impact on others? If the answer is no, slam the door on that guilt. If the person guilt tripping you has an ulterior motive (and they usually do) say goodbye to that friend because friendship runs both ways, and as a friend, they should have your best interests at heart and not their own.
I also think that women are more susceptible to empowering guilt. I don't know why - maybe it's in our DNA - but I tend to believe it comes from conditioning, the messages we hear day in and day out to control and cajole us to bend to someone else's will. I say, don't answer that door no matter how hard the knock or how many times the bell rings. It's up to us, and it's okay to just say no.
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