The title of this article is one of the most annoying phrases in the English language. People who use this phrase with regularity need a good slap in the head. Women are most often accused of its use, and unfairly so. Men can be just as passive aggressive and annoying. It’s part of an ambush on the part of the speaker, who doesn’t have the courage to just say what is wrong. It’s cowardly and petulant, it comes out of nowhere and is used to wrong foot a perceived adversary. Its use shows a childish need to have a grievance wormed out slowly, often followed by vague hints as to when the offence occurred.
Do you know anyone who uses this often? If so, you are well within your rights to call them out. The idea of this phrase is to make a person feel guilty and defensive, turning that person into the aggressor and thus making the other person feel a sense of righteousness in their anger. It makes the accused feel the need to make up for something when they have no idea what is even wrong. It’s manipulative and controlling. If this is being said to you, you have every right to lob it back at them, forcing them to be an adult and say what is wrong.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of this sentence, stay calm. A reaction is what is wanted, so don’t give it. Simply say, calmly, “No, I do not know what I have done, perhaps you can enlighten me.” This might lead to hints. “It was yesterday, in the car!” Don’t go for it. Just keep saying that you don’t know, and you need to be told outright. Either they will flounce away, or finally give in and tell you what is wrong.
Depending on the issue, either address what is being said right away, or call them on their behaviour. Ask “Why was that so hard for you to tell me?” If you don’t get a reasonable answer, then say, “I don’t like being hinted at. Either tell me the problem or let it go.” This way, you are standing your ground and letting it be known that you will not put up with any nonsense.
People who persist in this behavior are toxic. Everyone has encountered at least one. It’s not up to you to cure them. People are responsible for how they act, but you are responsible for how you react. If you keep falling into the trap it will keep being set. The best way to deal with a person like this is to walk away. If you can’t walk away, persist in not letting this person dictate how the relationship will go. It’s not an easy way to have a relationship, but defending yourself against toxic behavior will make you feel good about yourself, and your self-esteem will be intact.
If you are the type of person who uses this behaviour to control and manipulate others, or you just don’t have the courage to say what is wrong, stop it! For crying out loud, be an adult and stop it!
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